Off the Beaten Path: Road Trip Outtakes
by UtterChaosFanFiction
Summary: A selected group of funny and hilarious outtakes for A Road Trip to Remember. Nothing is too sacred for us to write about!
1. Duckie Outtake

**A/N: This is the first outtake for the story: A Road Trip to Remember. If you haven't read ch. 9 of that story... please do so... this will make much more sense!**

**ENJOY!**

Duckie POV outtake by CullensTwiMistress

I was sitting in my box minding my own business and waiting for my owner to take proper ownership of me. I felt my box being rattled which only meant that I was finally on my way.

Many Duckies before me had gone and found themselves homes and I wished that someday, I would also make some girl very happy.

You see, for fine Duckies such as myself, once you get an owner and show them the road to pleasure in the sanctuary that is the bath or shower, they usually never look back. For us, getting shipped to an owner is the best thing that could ever happen to us.

When I finally stopped moving and noticed light coming from above, I knew I had found a home.

She ooh'ed and ahh'ed at me when she took me out of my package but before I could show her what I could do, I was unceremoniously shoved into a dark bag, surrounded by cosmetics and soap.

I felt myself being shaken and carried around once again and sighed in disbelief. All I wanted was a chance to show her how happy I could make her.

After what seemed like ages, I was finally released from the dark enclosure and gingerly placed on a ledge inside of what looked like a shower stall.

I couldn't help the giddiness I felt at the sight of the girl before me. Her body wet and glistening from soap as she washed herself. I watched the droplets that fell from her erect nipples as she bent over to put her hands on me and turn me on.

I greedily explored her folds, making sure to press my beak in exactly the right area. I could feel her trembling beneath me as I vibrated over her heated wet skin.

Her moans increased as she neared her release and I reveled in the fact that I had done my job properly.

When she was done, I felt her clean me and pat me dry, settling me on the bathtub ledge before she got dressed and left the room.

I felt proud of myself for providing such pleasure to my owner. Many owners often had to use us more than once before we gave them pleasure but not me. No, I had been able to do my job well on the first try. I knew my owner would be forever grateful and would probably use me very often.

Ahh, the life of a good Duckie was a very cherished one.

Soon after my owner left the room, I felt myself be grabbed by a large hand. This was not my owner and left me feeling a bit uneasy. His hand was a bit forceful as he tinkered with my settings and rubbed me all over his hairy body. I was clearly not amused but since I could not move of my own volition, there was nothing I could do about it.

There was discussion and I was abruptly flung away from the hairy skin as the voices around me became loudly animated.

Next thing I knew, I was in the air and floating across the room. The feeling of freefalling washing over me, I would have quacked if I had lungs and...an actual beak.

I then landed on another ledge; I wobbled precariously on it before I felt another sensation of freewheeling. I landed on a hard gray surface with a squeak and a thump.

I sat there scared and frightened, worried how I would even get back to my owner. When I saw several pairs of legs walking my way, I thought for sure I was saved. One of those just _had_ to belong to my owner. Right?

But I was so wrong, as one of them kicked me off the hard grey surface onto another hard surface.

It was like an out of Duckie experience as I felt myself leave my plastic body.

I watched the big moving apparatus' wheels squish my body into a million little pieces before following the light that beckoned me.

I was then greeted by my ancestors in vibrator heaven.

THE END

**A/N: Awww Long Live Duckie! What did ya think?**


	2. The Scoop on Carmen Outtake

**A/N: Here is outtake #2.. a little glimpse into Carmen Denali... hmmmmm...**

A Road Trip To Remember Ch 10 Outtake – brought to you by JR Durham

One week before Edward leaves for Europe

Esme POV

Esme pulled into a spot along the side of the parking lot. She wished she could have gone to the Whole Foods on the other side of town but there was no time. She hated this location; poor parking, crowded, not to mention all the people she hoped to avoid running into.

Being the chief surgeon's wife was no easy task. It wasn't the countless charities she had to sit in on; she loved knowing she was making a difference. Pretending to like so many vapid self-serving bitches, she should win an Oscar for her performances. She rolled her eyes as she glanced in the rear view mirror. "I can do this. In, out, no problem."

She exited her Lexus CT Hybrid and walked toward the entrance. Keeping her head down and sunglasses on, she quickly scooped up a basket and started up one of the aisles. She only needed a few things to make Edward's favorite dinner. She could easily do this in ten minutes.

Walking quickly up and down each aisle, she placed ingredients in her basket. She silently cursed Esmeralda for not checking her phone while she was out. Esme stopped herself in the middle of the specialty aisle and took a moment to chastise herself for being so unkind. Esmeralda was not a mind reader and had no way of knowing to check her text messages. Had she been more focused while writing her list, and not so consumed with Edward's upcoming trip to Europe, she would have included the items.

Shaking her head, she quickly scanned her basket and realized she had everything she needed. She turned toward the registers and picked a line. Today was her lucky day, only one person was in front of her and they didn't have that many items. Her smile grew wider after she glanced at her watch. She'd been in the store for less than ten minutes, not too shabby.

"Goodness! Esme! Fancy running into you here."

Esme cringed. Carmen's voice assaulted her ears like nails on a chalkboard. She willed herself to smile as she lifted her sunglasses.

"Carmen, darling. What a surprise."

The two women air kissed each other's cheeks.

"I know…its fate," Carmen drawled while a smile that rivaled the Cheshire cat spread across her face.

"Fate…an interesting choice of words Carmen," Esme said with another forced smile.

"Oh, but it_ is_ darling. I was just thinking about you and dear Edward. It's been too long since I've seen either of you," Carmen said with a pout.

Esme's skin began to crawl. Carmen's not so subtle innuendo's about her son creeped her out.

"Oh Carmen, I'm sure you understand. I've been so busy volunteering at the hospital and its Edward's summer break."

Carmen put her hand on her hip. "But my _gar-den_…it's withering before my eyes. His touch, I swear it's more than just a green thumb. He just has this… way," Carmen said with a sweeping hand gesture.

Esme's stomach rolled as she watched Carmen get a faraway look in her eyes. She tightened her grip the basket. "Carmen," Esme said smooth as syrup. "There are so many competent gardeners; surely you can call someone else?"

Carmen's smile tightened. "Of course I know people, but they're not Edward."

Esme started putting items on the belt. Her mind was racing. "I can give you our gardener's number. Edward learned everything he knows from watching him."

"But I _want_ Edward," Carmen stamped her foot as she emphasized each word. Esme couldn't help but gape. Her eyes started to narrow as Carmen recovered, her voice becoming much gentler. "Tanya and Irina so enjoy seeing him. He keeps himself so busy, surely you can't deprive my girls of what could be their last opportunity to see him this summer?"

It was Esme's turn to tighten her smile. Carmen was persistent, she had to give her that much.

"Oh Carmen, I feel for your girls. Edward _is_ very popular. He's had almost no time to himself lately, especially with his trip to Europe coming up."

Esme stopped herself and she could have sworn she heard tires screech. _Damn, how could she have let herself slip like that?_ Carmen was the last person she wanted to know about Edward's trip.

That Cheshire grin spread even wider across Carmen's face. "Europe? How delightful. Well Esme, looks like you're up. Thursday at the club then?"

"Thursday, of course. See you then."

Carmen waved her fingers before spinning on her heels and walking away. Esme paid for her groceries while silently cursing herself over mentioning Europe. She slipped her sunglasses on while an internal debate raged within her.

Tell Edward.

Don't tell Edward.

She pressed her key three times before the back popped open and shoved the bags inside. She slammed the door. "Ma'am, are you alright?" Esme jumped a bit as she turned toward the voice. A young man looked at her expectantly. "I am, thank you. Just a bit rushed," Esme said, trying to tap into her charm.

"O-kay then," he muttered and Esme watched him walk away toward the store.

She opened her door slowly and slid into the car. Resting her keys into the console, she hit her car's 'start' button and let out a sigh. She hadn't told Carmen the exact dates of his trip or his itinerary. He would be safe. No need to rile him up, there was no need to rile anyone up over this. _This was nothing._

Relaxing her shoulders, she looked down at the display. Her backup camera showed nothing was blocking her way. She backed out of her spot and started for home thinking about the Pinot she had been saving for a rainy day.

**A/N: Now it begs the question? Just how DID Carmen Edward? LOL... Be nice and leave some love. This was JR's first attempt at FF and we think she did a bang up job!**


	3. Ridin' Dirty Outtake

**A/N: I love this one! **

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to that of Stephenie Meyer, we however are many twilight addicts who simply can't resist playing with her toys.**

**Chapter 15 OUTTAKE brought to you by XquisiteProdigy**

**Ridin' Dirty**

Mrs. Stolen Minivan and Mr. Keys POV

I knew the second Rosalie Hale's ass had sat in my driver's seat, that girl would be nothing but trouble. When she drove, she had shoved Mr. Keys into my ignition.

Yeah, that was usually how we got down and dirty, but not like that. Not with my poor husband jangling back and forth. Not with her stiletto heels pushing down so hard on the pedals that it left a scuff mark.

_I was a Chrysler; I had to have some sort of standards. _

The gang was so tired after arriving to the hotel in London, that no one noticed Mr. Keys was still jangling. We called out, trying to get their attention, but it was all to no avail.

"Pssst!" he whispered, once the door was shut.

"What?" I questioned back, accidently letting out some smoke out of the exhaust. Embarrassed, my windshield wipers flipped back and forth.

He rattled the car alarm against the keys, meaning he had ignored my rude behavior. "So, you wanna…"

My headlights automatically came on, and I shut them off. I was obviously excited. I flipped down the visors. He liked to watch himself when the small light filtered through the front seat.

Within seconds, he pulled himself all the way out of the ignition and pushed himself in again.

"Ohhhh," I moaned, and I purred to life. He drew out for the second time, and inserted once more. "Sooo good, baby."

"You like that, you dirty old girl," he taunted me.

I ignored his comment. I was only a '97, I still had some miles left in me.

He continued his movements, and I was on the brink of my orgasm. Mr. Keys knew how I liked to be worked, so he plunged before turning completely over in the ignition.

My oil leaked, as I splattered all over the pavement.

He chuckled and gave me a few minutes so I could recover. I had not yet come down from my sensual bliss when I heard a group of drunken college aged men stumble over.

"Cut off your lights!" Mr. Keys warned, and I lifted the visors quickly.

It was too late. They started jerking on the doors, surprised that it was unlocked. The young men climbed in, and turned my husband forward.

I immediately started as my engine rumbled to life. I didn't want to, but the driver pounded on the steering wheel, and it's like a tickle to my system.

_Gets me every damn time._

Those hoodlums drove us away quickly, spilling beer onto my precious seats, and opening up every compartment that they could find.

I didn't know where we were going, or if we would ever return to our owners. I only knew one thing…

When I finally got ahold of that blonde, I was going to stick my gearshift up her petite ass.

_Vroom, vroom, Rosalie Hale, vroom vroom. _

**A/N: *giggles* Its all I can do... leave us some love!**


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